That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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