I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
