I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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