Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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