One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
