My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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