woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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