apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
