i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I touched a dick in church today
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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