yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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