she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Randomize
