Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
