She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I have fence marks all over my body
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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