She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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