she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
