When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
