and she was petting her beer can
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
