I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I have post one night stand depression
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