Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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