I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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