So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
