I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
