I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
