I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Randomize