In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
Randomize
