Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Someone stole a lamp last night.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
