is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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