So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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