I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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