Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
