So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
