I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Randomize
