I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
This couple is walking their pig around campus
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
