he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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