Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
so much tequila, so little girl.
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