my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Randomize
