Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
