You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
