If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
