i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Don't make out with my wife yet
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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