i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
