Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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