Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
