I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
