i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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