Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
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