at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I am spending my child support on dildos
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
