The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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