I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
