Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
