you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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