you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
