Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
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