Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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