My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
