imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
